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Secret. 5803

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The Secret Teller would like to give credit to ~mtnlesssndtrkSTOCK for the image

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Comments23
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carvingbackbone's avatar
i feel the need to post this comment again so that it can be seen from the beginning for viewers who come across it. for the secret teller to hear again, AND? .....for those who are stumbling across this for the first time:


the stock photo is mine; i was seriously ill when this photo was taken.
ST, i may be 5'7 and probably about 100 pound in this shot (119 at 5'7 is underweight)
.....ST, i tell you this from the bottom of my heart because this image of myself scares me still since it was taken when i was about 20 and i still hadn't learned my lesson when even going into cardiac arrest at age 16....still starving for that fantasy of perfection.

i've come to realize that perfection wasn't what i wanted and even when i was at my lowest weight ever (i won't say it aloud, so don't ask; but it was MUCH lower than this) that even THEN i still had parts of my body i HATED and NEEDED to be thinner (in my mind). and it STILL took dying and weeks in the ICU to wake me up. i woke up for awhile, but as i've said, this was taken when I was 20. i'm almost 22 now and at a healthy weight and coping better, but perfection NEVER comes. not even when you've gone SO far your organs can't sustain. laying in my hospital bed i still refused a "menu" selection for the days meals on the ICU because the FLUIDS they were giving me to keep my body alive were "making me gain too much weight i was going to have to work to take back when i was discharged" -- ST, it NEVER comes. see how MESSED UP my thinking was?? it stole my thoughts, my life, my everything .... and i stil refused and denied that i wasn't okay.


just hear this if nothing else: "perfection" NEVER comes. don't die trying. i did, and STILL didn't get the hint.